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I really feel like god is testing me. he is putting things, obstacles in my path and seeing what I will do. how will i get out of the situation, how far will i go, will i go to far? so far i feel that i am failing him in every test he has given me. it is showing me that i really have some issues that i need to get a grip with or just accept them into my life. i feel like i am being punish. or maybe i have a purpose in this life. i don't know and i don't know what to do. i will just keep on roaming on this earth of his until something happens.

i think the greatest gift in life are friends. i'm not knocking family or anything because that is all you really have is family. family is in its own relmn. but friends are something special too. its hard for me to really talk about it and actually know what the hell i am talking about. i really have not understood the meaning of friendship and still need practice with it. i don't know all the rules but really want to know them. these past months i have been really engulfed with friendships and getting a understanding about them. so heres my take. friends are generally in your age group and can relate to a lot of things that are going through your life and can give advice if you need it. some are just a phone call away and some are a few blocks away. they are ready to talk to you at anytime you have an emergency. i have many flaws when it comes to rules like these. because of my solitude lifestyle i don't pick these things up as quick as other people. a few things happen today that really had me thinking. all were friendship related. unfortunately, i have to hold back on describing each incident b/c i don't want to call people out on this. but very emotional circumstances each one had. the friends i have now, i truly love them and i'm sorry if i do something wrong. friendship is more important then anything else, its forever. so thank you for being my friend and sorry for me having issues.